in case you were wondering

Dear Clyde,
Thanks for your affection. However, when I leave my room in the morning, what I really want is to go to the bathroom in peace. I don't lock the door because it doesn't have a lock, not because I want you to come in and rub your head against my knee. Also, could you start getting out of my way when it's dark? I stepped on you three times yesterday. I'll try to be more careful, but you're the one with the night vision!
Your cat-mom

Dear 1st and 2nd period class,
I'm sorry I'm so grumpy. I really, really am. You all are great, and have learned vast amounts about exponential functions this week. I did notice.
Your Algebra II teacher

Dear 2nd period boys,
You guys need to shut up. Or stop coming to class, either way.
Same

Dear 9th-grade boys,
I am so impressed with your turn-around the last two weeks. One of you got a 98 for the week - I think it's your first passing weekly grade, and your project looks awesome. It's really cute when you come in during 1st period to get the previous day's homework. Another of you just got into Upward Bound, which is one of the few programs related to the public schools that I can recommend without reservation. I'm so glad that I stuck around that day and was in the room when the coordinating teacher told you the paperwork was too late: another teacher and I ended up finagling you a second (third? fourth?) chance. I fully believe that you and all my other 9th grade boys will escape the sad fates of my 11th graders, become brilliantly successful, and save the world.
Your transitional math teacher

Dear English teacher across the hall,
Jesus H. Christ, please stop the gay-bashing.
Your semi-closeted co-worker

Dear student's older sister,
Fuck you. Ok, also: when your brother gets suspended for threatening to punch me, it's not helpful for your mom to call me up, tell me what a horrible teacher I am, then put you on the phone. Furthermore, screaming at me to tell you my room number will not make me give it to you. And you know what's not smart? Calling me back after I hang up and leaving a lengthy, profane message in which you identify yourself and threaten to kill me. That's called evidence.
Fuck you.

Dear 911 operators,
I've called you more in 2007 than in the rest of my life combined. Thanks for not making me feel stupid when I call and it's not a life-threatening emergency requiring immediate response. I sincerely hope to go back to my normal level of calling, though I understand that part of the increase is that I now know to call 911 when there's a traffic signal out at a busy intersection.
That woman you just talked to

Dear friends,
When you read this, please remember that the good things do exist. I sincerely doubt that the crazy sister is serious. I called the police anyway. They're sending a car out. I'm taking care of myself. Also, just fyi, the adrenaline rush of listening to that voice mail is crazy. However, I still think it's safe to go to school on Monday, and I promise that my personal safety is important. I also want you to know that until 5 pm, today was pretty good. Some kids learned some stuff.
North